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09/20/2005: 'The Laugh Judgment'
The always enjoyable (even for an atheist) Ship of Fools, "the magazine of Christian unrest", recently polled its membership to determine what they consider the 10 funniest and the 10 most offensive religious jokes. I don't have time to look over the lists (especially the most offensive ones, which I'm looking forward to reading with delicious anticipation), but I'm pleased to see that the ones the Ship of Fools readers voted as funniest and second funniest are two of my favorite religious jokes of all time.
The funniest is a schick I've seen attributed to Emo Philips (though I think that the version I know best is a bit longer than this; it's an easy one to drag out for a bit):
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it."The second funniest is another favorite of mine which, resonates with Catholics and ex-Catholics (note, I've changed a couple words to make it match the version I've learned, which is a marginally funnier punchline, IMHO):
"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.
"Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Are you religious?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
"Christian."
"Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"
He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."
I said: "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.
Jesus came upon a small crowd who had surrounded a young woman they believed to be an adulteress. They were preparing to stone her to death.Go check out the rest of the winners.
To calm the situation, Jesus said: "Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone."
Suddenly, an old lady at the back of the crowd picked up a huge rock and lobbed it at the young woman, scoring a direct hit on her head. The unfortunate young lady collapsed dead on the spot.
Jesus looked over towards the old lady and said: "You know, Mom, sometimes you really piss me off."
Len on 09.20.05 @ 08:13 AM CST
