Dark Bilious Vapors

to check out WhiteHouse.Org in the midst of this crisis. There's a couple gems there worth reading:

Responding to Hurricane Katrina: President's Remarks Announcing Extremely Belated Launch of "Operation Bureaucratic Clusterfuck"

Statement by the President

THE PRESIDENT: Alright, I'm back in Warshington. Everybody happy now? So what say we kick off this little hurricane wrap-up party already? It's almost time for my pre-lunch nap.

You know, yesterday, as I gazed down from Air Force One at Katrina's destruction, many thoughts flitted through my noggin. First of which was "Hey, them poor folk up to their hips in poo water – they vote for me?" The second thought was, of course, how happy I was to be on a photo shoot thousands of feet up in the air, safely away from The Big Queasy. Stinky smells make me gag like Jenna after six or seven pounders of Smirnoff Ice.

Apparently, prayer can't hold back the waters of the Mississippi. And maybe – just maybe – we shoulda tossed a few extra "BOMB IRAQI CHILDREN" nickels towards maintaining the levees in America's favorite slave-trade-truck-stop-cum-party-town. No wonder those folk drink so damn much. I would too if I lived in a watery deathtrap!

But listen – I promise to save New Orleans, and by "I promise to save New Orleans", I mean I will delegate relief to the state level while simultaneously gumming up the works with that new breed of Capitol Hill bureaucrat – the fair weather McChristian incompetent whose daddy was a Pioneer-level contributor to my campaign and thinks his ideas are actually worth a damn. Because even if House Speaker Denny Hastert sez we oughtta just bulldoze the whole damned town, I firmly believe that Nigra Soup City should be rebuilt – if for no other reason than to restock its ghettos with our very own third world unfortunates!

If there's a silver lining, and I think Denny and Dippity Doo Lott will agree, is that in 30 or 40 years, New Orleans will make one fantastic luxury yacht marina. And think about it: the city comes with thousands of its own help!

Statement by the President

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you, thank you. As one or two of you may heard by now, there seems to have been a little rain storm or something down on the Northern Gulf Coast.

Now when my people first told me how something real bad was happening, and there was like, total hardcore death and destruction, I had an awful tough Presidential choice to make. Should I do a 9/11™ – and skedaddle as far away as I could in my giant, super-safe plane? Or should I do like I did with that Asiatic Tsunammy thing, and just ignore it for a couple days? Well today I'm proud to inform the American people that they're really getting their money's worth with me – on account of I pulled out all the stops and did BOTH!

(Applause.)

And while I was at it, I even managed to squeeze in a little American Idol action. Man was I kicking myself that I left my Nero costume back at the ranch!

(Applause.)

Len on 09.05.05 @ 09:54 PM CST