Dark Bilious Vapors

This is from a mailing list I'm on. The person who posted this is, of course, a Canadian:

From a fellow Canadian, about the US's recent reaction to Canada saying, "We don't want anything to do with your missile defense system":

"Why would you want to give up sovereignty?" (US Ambassador to Canada Paul Cellucci) said. "We don't get it. We think Canada would want to be in the room deciding what to do about an incoming missile that might be heading toward Canada."

That was the response after Canada said, "Fuck you," to the United States' fruitbar plan to line the shores of North America with missiles. So the following is my message directly to Paul Cellucci. Here are ten reasons, sir:

Number one, Canada has missile defense already. It's a pretty cunning plan, and it's absolutely free. See, there's this country just south of us, you might have heard of it, that has painted a huge bullseye on itself over the last few years. What we do is just sit there and twiddle our thumbs and looks harmless. As a result, chances are any missiles heading to North America aren't heading to Canada, but to our southern decoy. Cool plan, huh? Perhaps there is this one branch of guys in North Korea that's thinking, "Hey, you know who has the power to topple our government at the drop of a hat? Canada." I'm willing to take the risk that they'll be aiming elsewhere, though. (But really, a stiff breeze has the power to topple North Korea's government.)

Number two, that missile defense shield is insane paranoia from the people who brought you "Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq!" and "No, Really, There's Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq!" Canada has always tried to maintain a policy of not doing things that don't make any sense. Oh, except Alberta. And British Columbia for the entire decade of the 90s, come to think of it. And you never can tell about Newfoundland...

Number three, Canada decided that its money was better spent fortifying its existing military. This must seem like a bizarre concept to a country whose military penis is so big it thinks other countries have military vaginas, designed to be penetrated with little resistance, and indeed with lubrication, so the seeds of FREEDOM! can be planted within. "Canada with its own military?" you say, "That's adorable." Well, you can feel free to chalk it up to weird Canadian nonsense like free health care for everyone and restrictions on private gun ownership, I guess.

Number four, sovereignty means being able to make your own decisions. It does not mean sucking America's dick. I had hoped you would have learned that after that whole "Hey United Nations, how about we erase Iraq from the map?" thing back in 2003, when the governments of other countries decided to vote for what they thought was right instead of voting for what America thought was right (and America turned out to be wrong, by the way). I do realize that one of those countries was France, so I guess you can mentally delete this number if you want. You racist cock.

Number five, related to number four, I find it amusing that you think Canada is leaving its fate completely in America's hands here, and is now relying on America's goodwill to keep it alive when - when, not if - the commies decide to rain missles down on Saskatoon. Canada's been around for 137 years, and you know what? Not one of those years was spent with American missiles protecting it. Come to think of it, America's been around for 229 years without American missiles protecting it, too. Still, I guess you never know when Osama bin Laden will become cabable of launching transcontinental projectiles from his Himalayan cave. The legacy of 9/11 lives on.

Numbers six through ten, George W. Bush is on the shield's side, so it's a pretty safe bet that being on the opposite side is the correct move. You can pretty much live your life by not doing whatever Bush thinks you should do. I used to apply that logic to my relations with an aquaintance before he went completely nuts, and it worked wonders for me. So now that he's gone so insane that doing the opposite of what he thinks you should do consists of simply being a normal, decent human being, my anti-role-model is Bush.

So in closing, Mr. Cellucci, go irrigate your colon with Clorox.

-- Mat Sherer

Len on 02.27.05 @ 11:09 AM CST